Following on from the lies told by Enda Kenny about Bertie Ahern I thought I'd clear some things up with 10 things you didn't know about Bertie.
- Bertie hand prints every Euro in circulation in Ireland, such is his concern for the Irish economy. Prior to the Euros introduction he used to hand draw the old Irish 20 punt note.
- Bertie is responsible for the collapse in the US dollar and the rise of the Euro. His declaration at the Mahon Tribunal that dollars don't exist caused a rush on the market.
- Everyone knows Al Gore invented the internet, but less well known is the fact that Bertie invented email. Apparently he hated envelopes.
- Bertie invented internet banking. He found going to bank branches to be tedious and unnecessary. He was the first man in Ireland to do all his banking from a pub.
- Bertie personally designed the new Croke Park. The reported gap in the stands by Hill 16 doesn't actually exist and is just media speculation and leaks from the engineering inspectors office that say his design is not complete and full of holes.
- Bertie has years of experience in the construction industry and is a fully qualified brick layer, carpenter, architect, crane driver and plasterer. Each evening after work he likes to spend hours on DIY and improvements to his friends houses.
- It was the rumour that Bertie was being called up to the Irish soccer squad that led to the confrontation between Roy Keane and Mick McCarthy. Roy had seen Bertie kick a ball during a visit to Old Trafford and wanted Bertie to be named Captain but Mick didnt agree and wanted him named manager. The experience Bertie gained negotiating a ceasefire in the resulting Second Irish Civil War helped him find a solution to the Northern Ireland Troubles.
- Bertie personally brought peace to Northern Ireland. He confiscated all the guns, melted them down to make the tracks for the Dublin Luas and hosted meditation classes for Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness.
- Bertie had trouble with his hand writing early in his career. It was messy and hard to read. Berties great friend Charles J Haughey spent many hours sitting with the young lad helping him practice his signature on pieces of paper until he got it perfect.
- Bertie introduced Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski. He believed that Hillary needed something to cry over if she was to ever have a chance of becoming the first female president of the USA. He also helped New Hampshire when they didn't know how to run the recent primary and loaned them some world class voting machines.
All of the above may or may not be the truth, who really knows. But we do know that anyone who doubts the power of The Bertie is just a bare-faced liar.